You all know Michael Cole. He’s that brash, arrogant, conceited, egocentric, narcissistic, pompous, self-absorbed, self-centered, self-important, self-involved, self-seeking, self-serving, stuck-up, delusional… and a whole bunch of over adjectives that I should not type here. He’s attempted to make WrestleMania all about him by constantly promoting his match against Jerry Lawler (So much for knowing his role, and shutting his damn mouth). It’s safe to say that a majority of wrestling fans cannot stand Michael Cole, and pray to Vince McMahon that he reinstate Jim Ross to full active duty. But, have you yourself ever spewed out the nonsense that Cole says? It’s actually really fun.
Last night, I attended WWE’s “Raw’s Road to WrestleMania Tour” at the famed Madison Square Garden. Now, Michael Cole was not present at the show, so it surprised me when the e-mail alert from the General Manager sounded off throughout the arena. To assume the role instead was Justin Roberts, who read the e-mails from his cell phone. Assuming that the e-mail alert came from his cellphone, could you imagine being at a small, quite place, and that went off (What was that!? Roberts: It’s okay, it’s just my phone).
So without Michael Cole, I instinctively felt compelled to act out his characteristics when certain superstars came out.
The Miz: (Immediately rising to my feet) “YES! YES! FINALLY, THE MIZ COMES TO MSG!! (Start ridiculously clapping) THIS MAN IS AWESOME! HE IS THE MOST MUST-SEE WWE CHAMPION IN HISTORY! GET HIM, MIZ! GET HIM, MIZ!”
You can imagine at this point, I’m surrounded by kids (Cena’s demographic), who instinctively cheer for the goodies and boo for the baddies, how they felt about me.
Vickie Guerrero: “YES! VICKIE IS HERE! SHE IS HOT! JUST LOOK AT HER! SHE’S A COUGAR!!”
(Side Author’s Note: How come no one chants Eddie’s name when she comes out? If the kids weren’t too young to even remember who Eddie was, I would have attempted to start the chant.)
At the show, Divas Champion Eve Torres, Kelly-Kelly, and The Bella Twins had a Tag Team Match with 2011 Hall of Fame Inductee, “The Original Diva” Sunny as the special guest referee.
Divas: (My friend shouted, “Sunny’s never wrestled a day in her life!”) “DON’T WORRY, NEITHER HAVE THEY!”
C.M. Punk: (At this point I started to get creative) “THIS MAN IS A PROPHET! HE TOLD THE WORLD THAT IF JEFF HARDY DIDN’T CHANGE HIS WAYS THAT HE WOULD BECOME A STATISTIC” (In regards to what happened at TNA Victory Road).
Not for nothing, Michael Cole may be the biggest pile of monkey crap, but to act out his gimmick is genuinely enthralling, especially when it pisses off little kids. I encourage everyone to try it next time when WWE rolls into your city.
Now for some quick thoughts on WWE’s Live Show. The only advertised feature match that WWE kept to was Triple-H vs. Sheamus in a NYC Street Fight (which seriously should be renamed to Arena Fight). Sheamus attacked Daniel Bryan (who defeated Ted DiBiase) after his match, and started boasting that after a bit of a losing streak, he is now the Champion of the United States. Then the crowd went wild for Triple-H, including myself, because how much longer will we see Triple-H wrestle, right? The two fought along the unpadded barricades, the steel steps, and even a kendo stick came into play (seriously thought it would be the sledge). When asked who I thought would win, I motioned my hands to “weigh-in” the possibilities: “Hmm… the united states champion… or THE MAIN EVENT AT WRESTLEMANIA?” Of course Triple-H won! But I was happy to see The Game take a couple of shots at Sheamus with the kendo stick, who was dangling upside down with his foot caught in the ropes.
The fans were cheated out of a 2 out of 3 Falls Match for the WWE Championship between The Miz and Randy Orton, when C.M. Punk attacked Randy Orton (which technically would make Orton the winner via DQ). Justin Roberts received an obnoxiously loud e-mail alert on his phone, stating that the GM would allow the fans to decide on either The Miz defending the WWE Championship against Randy Orton one-on-one, or a Tag Team bout which would include C.M. Punk and JOHN CENA!!! Of course the fans would choose the latter, the majority of MSG was filled with Cena’s Nation of Children. The match was alright, something you would expect from Monday Night Raw to have. Orton struck Punk with the RKO, was about to punt his head off until The Miz tackled him. Miz connected with The Skull Crushing Finale on Orton, only for him to kick out on three. Doesn’t say much for Miz’s finisher, but a lot about Orton’s resiliency. The match ended in favor of Orton and Cena with each connecting their finishers on the other’s respective rivals to win the match.
Another astute observation was that not a single heel won last night. Dolph Ziggler was about to be the first, after getting the pinfall on John Morrison. But his feet were on the ropes, so the referee restarted the match. For the most part I rooted for the heels, because I happen to have that mentality when it comes to WWE. Early WrestleMania hopes: I hope CM Punk defeats Randy Orton, and that The Miz retains the WWE Championship, just because.